Coming Out

“Mom, does God ever make mistakes?”
“I don’t know honey. Why would you ask something like that?”
“Because I think he made a mistake with me. I think God should have made me a girl.”
"Why do you say that?"
"Because my mind tells me I'm not like other boys."

Many of the events that have a large impact on one’s life happen casually. The moment I came out as being homosexual was one such event. When I was only three years old, I had the above conversation with my mother. Apparently, I developed some sort of insight into my life that I quickly forgot. So many things that took place in my life were building up to the moment I finally came out.

In grade school, I had very few close friends. I had always felt that I was different and out of place. The other guys saw me as sensitive and weak. Even my best friend, who had lived across the street from me for years, would try to hide our friendship from our classmates. It wasn’t until 4th or 5th grade that I discovered how much easier it was for me to befriend the girls in my class and how much more I preferred their company and at that time it didn’t occur to me that there could have been an explanation for it.

Toward the beginning of 7th grade I learned what a gay person was. Two boys in my class, Rafael and Vladimir, often made a joke of pretending to hit on each other or other guys. Not only did I learn what homosexuality was, but I also learned that it was something that people didn’t like. Later that year I realized the truth of my own sexuality when Rafael was pretending to hit on me and rather than making me laugh or feel uncomfortable, it felt right. I cried for the rest of the week.

When I started the 10th grade I was already feeling much more secure than I had the previous year. I had finally learned to recognize sarcasm and to take it with a grain of salt. I had finally learned the benefits of constructive criticism. But one thing I was still sensitive about were jokes directed at me about being gay. I believed that they were directed at me because people recognized who I was… that I was gay, and I took it personally. It never crossed my mind that I could tell anyone and they would be ok with it, but it was eating me up on the inside. I finally caved under the pressure. It happened when I was playing The Sims Online™ with my best friend. She used her female character to hit on another female character and when I asked her if she thought it was weird she said no. I then typed in the words “Michelle I have to tell you something…I’m gay” and pressed the enter key. At that point, my life changed. I no longer had to fear what other people saw in me and I was able to let go of the anxiety that had been building up in me for many years. Since that point, I have been unhindered in my pursuits and have felt a much more successful person.