I'm sure we can all feel it; my family, I mean. This feeling of despair has slowly crept up into us like some sort of contemptuous vine. Now, a dark cloud hangs over each of us, carrying with it the same fear: that our best times are behind us and those feelings of happiness that we once had are gone forever. We keep looking outward for some sort of salvation. I don't think any of us feels it might be possible to will it to come from within. Perhaps time, or God's Grace, will change that...
The existential crisis I began having back in college never really went away. It just got pushed out of focus as I dedicated myself to my schoolwork and preparing for my career. I still hope that I will someday figure out how to bring meaning into my life; but for now a dark cloud, and despair, hinder that possibility.
I know I may sound horribly depressed considering the tone of this post, but the truth is I have been faced with several circumstances over the past year that I'm still not sure how to cope with. I usually rely on the support of my friends and family in times like these, however, they are all so far away right now and each dealing with their own set of problems.
3 Comments:
In no way does your post seem inconsolably gloomy. Not by a long shot. But what you haven't said is what generated the cloud, and why it's surfacing now. You suggested that there is something that you never quite dealt with from your college days that is omnipresent, if not always at the forefront. Is that cause so dire that it is impossible to express it even under the anonymity of your blog?
Meaning is tough, especially for those who keep everything at a distance. Have you helped anyone else find meaning in their life? If so, Frankl would not only be proud, but indeed you would have found some meaning in your own life.
When is the last time you did something spectacular, by your own definition?
I was mostly using this post to get some of the feelings out of my head rather than trying to explain my situation to a third-party. Unfortunately, this blog isn't quite anonymous and it's not my place to reveal what's been going on with my family before they have had a chance to disclose it themselves.
As for doing something spectacular, I'm still struggling with just some of the small, daily things people might do to give their lives meaning. I recently started a new job, in a new state, and as a result I just haven't found a way to make what worked in my life before work for it now. I think the reason progress has been so slow on that is because of the circumstances I alluded to, but am not able to go into detail about.
Understood. It's more like a personal diary than a blog meant for public consumption.
That's too bad, in a way. Everyone needs that sort of anonymous release every so often. Besides, I would have enjoyed learning about someone else who's "...in love the world..." and hates it at the same time.
In any case, I wish you every bit of good fortune, and that the clouds which are so gloomy part eventually and let some sunshine into your life.
And do something spectacular...
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