I Think I'm an Asshole

Once I know that I can't date someone, it's really easy for me to start caring about that person as a friend, and nothing more.
Over the summer, before I left for college, I started dating Jake. It was only the last few weeks before I left but he was really sweet and I really liked being with him. When I moved to college though, I knew I couldn't keep dating him and at that point I considered him to be a friend. To my suprise, even though we had talked about it before I left, he still wanted to date long distance. I hated having to tell him that we couldn't. I told him that we were both very busy with our lives and that, in addition to the long distance between us, made it impossible for me to give him the attention he deserved. It's true that I can't give him the attention he deserves, and for those exact reasons. The whole truth is, though, that I also can't give him the attention he deserves because I now think of him only as a friend. I didn't tell him that, and I can't because he's having a really difficult time right now. His best friend is moving to California and I just moved to Arizona. He told me the other day that he had fallen for me and it made me feel so terrible. I miss him and care about him, but not in the way that he misses and cares for me. It's not fair that I'm not going through what he's going through.

I'm not done proving my point. At the same time that all of this has been happening, I've done the same thing to someone else. I met Brian Kinney because I was looking for friends here at school and he was interesting. I got the idea that maybe he wanted something more than a friendship, but I trusted him over my instincts and continued to develop a friendship with him. It started to turn into more than a friendship, which turned out to be what he was hoping would happen all along, but then there were certain obvious reasons that a relationship between the two of us would never work out. I would specifically say why, but there were irreconcilable differences. Well once it was clear that a relationship wasn't in the cards for us, he became a close friend to me, but nothing more. Unfortunately it hasn't been so easy for him which has made our friendship a lot more difficult.

I hate that these people around me can develop these feelings so easily and then have such a hard time letting it go while I, apparently heartless, have such a hard time developing feelings for someone and then it's so easy for me to move on. I'm no different then Mandie. I know how much Michelle was hurt by what Mandie did and I hate that I do the same kinds of things.