???

I know I haven't written on my blog in a long time. I started to once, but then I lost what I had written and didn't feel like writing it again. I don't really know what the point of this post is, or if it even worth anyones time, but I still needed to write it down.
I almost cried tonight. I never cry. I might tear up when watching a sad movie or hearing about someone else's misfortune, but I don't cry... especially not over my own sorrows. It's not something I'm proud of, it's just the way I am.
I had been feeling kind of down all day, though I'm not really sure why. I think it started when I read James's away message this morning. It basically listed out what he would be doing all day. It said something like this: Sleep->Cutest Boy Ever->Work->Go See Brokeback Mountain (hopefully with the Cutest Boy Ever). I guess I should've started by explaining how I happen to like James but the only interest he has in me is a one-time hookup. It kind of made me feel bad that he didn't see me as someone he might want to say... go see Brokeback Mountain with. It's not that it was James in particular that bothered me, but I came to the realization that no one sees me that way. Not once has a guy ever spotted me out of a room full of people or met me at a party and said more to me than hello. I guess I just don't seem worth anyone's time. All day I had this feeling of emptiness and I really wanted someone to hold me, but there isn't anyone. I'm not ignorant of the fact that my friends care for me and probably would have comforted me, but that's not the same.
I don't know if it was an emotional breakthrough or a new low in self-pity, but all of this just started to get to me tonight and I almost burst into tears. My family was yelling at me to come downstairs to eat dinner, but I didn't want them to know that I was upset. I knew that my sister would have just gotten overly annoyed and then criticized me for being dramatic. I was also worried that my parents would have gotten concerned about me, or worse... not have cared at all. So I just skipped dinner and joined them later when I could act like nothing was wrong.

...and then life goes on, and I forget that I was ever sad.