Have you ever acted immature or done something embarassing? Does the memory of that moment ever come back to haunt you? You can escape a situation, but how do you escape a memory? Almost every time I have a free moment to think, I eventually stumble across a memory I'd rather not. I remember something stupid or embarassing that I've done. I play the moment over and over again in my head until I get so embarassied I suddenly find myself saying "I want to go home" out loud to an empty room. I wonder what I mean by that exactly. Every time I catch myself saying it I realize that I'm already at home. There must be something that I'm looking for comfort in, something that you can usually find at home. I guess I'm not finding it.

Kinkos screwed up the yearbook. We finished printing the color sections of the yearbook at school today and took them over to Kinko's so they could get bound witht the black and white pages we had them print. Ok so first I'll post an example of what a black and white yearbook page is supposed to look like:

Now, here's what they gave us:

Those f'ing basta*ds. There's not time to get it repirnted so we have to just use what they gave us. :-(

So I've been working my ass off to get the school yearbook done before graduation. No, I haven't been living under a rock, although sometimes I think that I might appreciate such a simple lifestyle, I've been slaving away (figuratively) at school until late at night putting my desktop publishing skills to good use. Good news. My efforts have finally paid off (almost). I finally finished the layout last night at Starbucks. I flew in to Dallas Sunday morning from Oklahoma (I was there for my sister's graduation) and met my teacher at school to get it done. Of course, nothing ever goes the way it was planned. After my laptop's battery died we realized that the school had no electricity. Apparently, a squirell had gotten into the power transformer and caused a short while combusting. Several teachers heard a loud boom when it happened, but weren't sure what to make of it. Anyways, we decided to take our project to Starbucks and finish it there. After eight long hours we finally got it done. Now it's off getting printed, except for the color sections, we're printing those at school. I just hope everything goes smoothly and we get them in time for the last day of school. I also hope that I can finish everything up for my classes by then too (my schoolwork has been on the backburner for the past couple of weeks because of yearbook). Anyways, we'll see.

After reading Matt's latest blog entry I decided to follow his lead and list the things I'm tired of right now:

• Spending all of my time at school working on the yearbook instead of classwork


• Working on yearbook after school until 11:00 every day


• Yearbooks


• Layouts


• Photos


• Pages


• Printers


• Laser Toner


• Being single


• Liking someone, not knowing if they like me as well


• Not having time to hang out with my friends


• Not having time to meet new people


• Not having time to visit with my family


• Not having time to play video games


• Being dependable


• Driving to school


• Being late to school


• I know there's more, but I can't think of what it is right now.

On Mother's day I went to lunch with my parents and grandparents. We met my dad's parents in Ennis (Dallas was too far for them to drive) and ate at Chili's. Normally, Mother's day is a happy day full of family togetherness, but the only thing I felt that day was depression. It started when my grandfather slowly got out of the car, stood up in front of my dad, his son, and introduced himself.

"Hi there, nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Gibson. What's your name?"

My grandmother laughed and responded for my dad.

"That's Dr. Gibson."

My dad looked as if his heart had suddenly taken the form of an anvil or some other heavy object. I thought I was going to cry, I felt so bad for him. The rest of the meal I sat and watched as more and more indications that my grandfather no longer existed unpleasantly presented themselves. My grandfather introduced himself to my dad two more times before the end of the meal, forgot where he was and what he was doing three times while leaving the restaraunt, and forgot he had even eaten a meal at all right after he finished his plate. Any time there wasn't food in front of him to be eaten, he just sat in his seat with a confused and vacant expression on his face, like he was somewhere in his mind, searching for any kind of memory, but repeatedly coming up empty-handed. I find it really depressing that there's not even a trace of his personality left. I really hope that my dad never forgets who I am, but it seems inevitable. I already see evidence that his mind it deteriorating. He's become very scatterbrained this past year, forgetting a lot of things and just not able to think as clearly. He tried to tell our housekeeper the other day that I was twenty. She corrected him, but he didn't believe her. An even scarier thought, though, is the day that I begin to loose my mind. I suppose it has to happen to all of us eventually.

I added another song to the playlist. This one was inspired by Donnie Darko. This one is for you Sohaila.

At one point, during either my sophomore or junior year in high school, I suddenly realized that I had changed. Without noticing I had become shallow and almost insensitive. I had stopped reflecting on life and had lost much of the insight I had previously gained on the subject. My perceptiveness had narrowed its focus to things closer to the surface. I know all of this sounds a little vague, but let's just say that I suddenly noticed I wasn't as aware of how I or felt or how others were feeling. I started objectifying other people, not seeing them for more than their surface value. I wasn't completely to that point, but uncomfortably close.

After I realized that I was becoming shallow I made a point of undoing the damage. I once again let my thoughts wander beyond what projects I had to finish or what I was going to do on the weekend. It's important to me that I don't loose touch with who I am. Who I am is more than who I hang out with, what clothes I wear, or what hobbies I pursue. I know that, but I keep finding myself getting swept up into this fast-paced world, leaving a key part of myself behind.

One of my best friends has stopped turning to me when she needs help. I don't blame her. The last few times she's tried I've been too distracted to offer any advice or just unable to come up with any input. I used to always have something to say, something that I thought would be helpful. I used to be willing to leave school and miss class, just to go help a friend in need. What happened to me? Why don't I have anymore insight? When did I lose it again?

Is it okay...to realize I'm not becoming a person that I want to be...and hate myself for it?

Also, I like the color green alot.

So some of my friends were telling me about how they would constantly refresh my blog to see the different title images. I'll admit that is somewhat entertaining, but I decided to take out all the randomness and let you guys pick wich one you wanted to see. Thanks to my javascripting skills (wich isn't saying much) you are now able to select "New" or "Old" in the upper right-hand corner of this title image. Your choice will be saved for up to a year, or until you delete your browser cookies. I've also been working on making more changes prompted by Matt's upstaging me on blog customization. I can't hold a candle to James's graphic design ability (he helped Matt out with his blog), but I can still hold my own.

Popularity and boys

So I spent almost all of yesterday locked in my room watching the first season of Popular on DVD. I never really watched that show when it was on, but I remember my sister being obsessed with it. I can understand why, I'm addicted now. I don't think it portrays an accurate image of high-school life, being that all of the actors were in their twenties and even the extremely "unpopular" characters weren't too sore on the eyes. I don't care where you go to high school, not everyone there can be that pretty. It really bugs me how everyone on the show acts like Harrison, one of the less-popular characters, just isn't that attractive. I mean, the guy is hot. Well he was, back then anyway.

I never had to struggle with cliques that much in school. I spent most of my educational career in small private schools where everyone was pretty much always included. I did go to Highland Park Middle School in the eighth grade and it was hell. Middle-school is usually miserable anyway, especially for the new kid. My high school, although lacking a group of people you might consider to be "popular", has become incredibly cliquey (I know, that's not really a word). There are several distinct groups of people that hang out together and they change drastically with each year. It's a little bit different though, because you can belong to any group you want to. Nevertheless, I belong to no group. Not this year anyway. Two of my best friends don't go to Walden anymore (one graduated and the other transferred to Crandall I.S.D.). My group is pretty much just me and my friend Deborah. I spend most of my time working on different projects for the school so most of the people I talk to are teachers. That's ok though. I'm really good friends with some of my teachers.

How do I start this paragraph? Well, its about boys. Who are the boys? Well I'm not entirely sure and that's part of the problem. One of them is James. James is someone I met several months ago. He's a friend of a friend. After I had met James a couple of times I knew there was something about him that I liked. I'm not sure what it was, I never got to find out. I had hoped, if nothing else, that we could be friends. I tried to talk to him online every once in awhile, but it was kind of hard to keep his attention and I eventually gave up. Then, quite suddenly, he asked me if I wanted to hang out. I did, for three consecutive days. Neither of us was entirely sure in what capacity though, which made things a little bit akward. We sort of lost touch after that, not for lack of effort on my part. It just became really hard to keep his attention again. I guess I'll never find out what it was I liked about him.

Another guy is Justin. I've been talking to Justin online for awhile now. I don't know how I feel about him. I like talking to him, and I miss talking to him when I haven't for awhile. But he's the kind of person you can talk to for hours and still not know any more about who he really is. That may not make a lote of sense, but it's still the case. I hope to get to know him better, we'll see where that goes.

Oh Matt. What can I say about Matt? Matt is one of those really cool and nice guys that you just know will end up with another really cool and nice guy and be happy. He at least deserves to. Matt is someone I like as a friend, just to clear things up. I could definitely fall for him in the right situation though. Come to think of it, a lot comes right down to what the situation is. I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm not really Matt's type anyway. By the way Matt... your light sabres are soooooo cool. I want one now :-p

Oh crap. I forgot to study for the test on Hamlet tomorrow. I have to go.