Open-ended writing
List of Topics Free write one Part of the problem that I’m having right now is that I don’t have anything to write about. Before you say anything, I’m quite aware of the fact that there is a list of topics at the top of this page; I wrote it. The thing is, I don’t feel like I can actually write about any of those things. Not more than just a sentence or two anyways. There are two reasons why I can’t write about them. The first is that for many of those or any topics, I just don’t feel passionately enough to have a vocal opinion about them. The second is, that for topics I do feel passionately about, I am generally uninformed and therefore not confident about any opinion I might have. Usually you can assume that when one feels passionately about a subject that person will then take enough interest in it to educate himself/herself on it and have an informed opinion. That is not the case with me; I’m perfectly content being lazy and unable to defend my position. In many cases I don’t have a position at all. Part of this can be attributed to my fear of conflict. When you have a strong opinion, it is inevitable that you will have to defend it at some point; and when you’re informed on the subject, then you have no excuse for not stepping up to the plate and informing someone else why their position may be wrong. I go to great lengths to avoid conflict. I have a non-confrontational nature and I don’t like to fail. If you don’t have arguments then you can’t lose them. I’m happy with that, I don’t pay attention to the fact that I don’t win any arguments either. I have such an utter lack of confidence that I don’t even attempt to do anything any more. It’s kind of sad. It’s not that failed more often than succeeded when I used to make an effort, but there’s a lot of stress involved when you have expectations, and I always have expectations. Summary one I lack confidence. Free write two I do lack confidence. There’s evidence of my life even in grade school that I greatly lacked confidence. People have always pegged me as insecure; they can sense it. At least, they used to be able to. When I was younger I was socially insecure. I was always afraid of what other people thought about me and had low self-esteem. It didn’t help that I got picked on a lot by the other kids in school, but I can’t really blame them; I made myself an easy target. I took everything so personally and definitely not with a grain of salt. I used to be the person who would go home and cry about how mean the other kids were. I say kids, but it was really just the guys. Even my best friend, who lived across the street, would hang out with the other guys and join in when they were picking on me. I always envied him because he was so confident, cocky even. But I never understood why I didn’t just fit in with them. I ended up spending most of my grade school years hanging out with the girls in my school. At lunch, during recess, and group activities I started to automatically join in with the girls. They all seemed to share my lack of confidence, so it was a much more comfortable atmosphere for me to be in. I also found that I could actually participate in the conversations they had instead of sitting on the side and having no clue what they were talking about, as it was when I tried to hang out with guys. Football what? I don’t want to give you the impression that I felt more confident when I hung out with girls, because that’s not the case at all. I was just more comfortable. As far as social situation were concerned, I was still completely insecure. And for good reason too: I would say really stupid things, never get people’s jokes, and not no how far to go with things. Later in life both my mother and high school administrator told me that they thought I might have had Asperger’s Syndrome. What is Asperger’s Syndrome? Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder in which people have difficulties understanding how to interact socially. What are the Symptoms? Children with Asperger's typically develop a good to excellent vocabulary, although they usually lack the social instincts and practical skills needed when relating to others. They may not recognize verbal and nonverbal cues or understand social norms, such as taking turns talking or grasping the concept of personal space. They may have difficulties with accent, tone, and pitch, making their speech sometimes odd or difficult to understand. They may have difficulty expressing their own feelings and perceiving others' feelings. Children with Asperger's typically make efforts to establish friendships, but they may have difficulty making friends because of their social awkwardness. Children with Asperger's syndrome may have limited and very focused interests. They are often most comfortable with fixed routines and dislike change. They may lack coordination, exhibit unusual facial expressions, body postures, and gestures, and be somewhat clumsy. -Yahoo Health: Asperger’s Syndrome Summary 2 When I was young I was socially insecure and socially awkward, but found myself to be much more comfortable socializing with girls. Free write 3 Even though I was socially unconfident when I wad younger I was much more confident in my non-social pursuits. I really enjoyed learning about science and computers and I applied extra effort to school projects or personal projects that I used to challenge myself outside of school. I did a lot of projects on the computer in order to teach myself new skills such as photo editing and computer programming. My parents even hired a tutor to help me work at a quicker pace. In the sixth grade I even started taking computer-programming classes at the community college, and I did really well in them. In high school I went through a transition where my social insecurity and confidence in other areas started to balance out. I made some really good friends and started to better understand the boundaries of social interaction. It was a pretty good time for me. I gained a lot of confidence in during my first two years. I continued to take courses at a community college and managed to earn 26 hours of credit while maintaining a 4.0 grade point average. I also did a lot of extracurricular activities/studies like photography, yearbook, creative writing, and psychology. After my sophomore year, however, the balance began to shift in the other direction. I became a lot more confident and active in my social pursuits, while I lost confident in my academic pursuits as well as the will to challenge myself. I stuck to doing the bare minimum and even less when possible. I stopped taking classes at the community college as well. I did manage to get a job, something I had been reluctant to do because I wasn’t confident that anyone would want to hire me, or would quickly let me go after they saw me work. It didn’t last however and that didn’t help my non-social confidence either. Through college I have applied myself so little that it’s scary. I don’t know where this is going to end up, but I’m definitely a little worried. I’m even turning this assignment in slightly after midnight, even though it was due two minutes ago >_< Summary 3
posted by Ross @ 10:35 AM
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