I didn't get accepted to Rice Univeristy.

I wish I knew how to help people. I, like everyone I know, have had to deal with severe depression in my past and still battle with a milder form of it every day. At some point I learned how to deal with it and make it less of a hurdle in my life. I am able to mantain a positive attitude about life and face each day as a new challenge. Sure, there are things that make me sad, but I look at the bigger picture and for a brighter future. Unfortunately, since I don't entirely understand how I am able to do this I haven't been able to share this wonderful knowledge with others. There are so many people I wish I could help. I look at people and see the desparate look in their eyes, aspiring to once again be happy. Even worse, there are some who look as though they believe happiness will never come, that they will feel nothing but the empty pit in their stomach for the rest of their lives. These are the people I especially want to help, but I don't know how. I'm not even good at consoling people. I just wish I could help others with their struggles in life and be as happy as I am.

I didn't realize it was happeneing, but somehow it creeped up on me. The only side effect that I was privy to was the increasingly serious case of senioritis I had developed. It should have scared me, considering that it threatens to deprive me of a diploma, but it's senioritis... you don't worry about that sort of thing. The other day in creative writing we were instructed to write about the mechanisms of pain avoidance that we employed in our daily lives. As I began to write, it occured to me that there was a much smaller number than usual. I have never been self-destructive, but that doesn't mean I never found other ways to distract myself from pain and stress. After I reflected on it I realized that I hadn't felt much pain at all lately. It hit me. I had become numb to emotional pain and also to stress. Is it a good thing to be numb? It doesn't strike me as the sort of thing that would be good. I started thinking about the things that should have been causing me pain, the things that used to cause me pain. The last major thing I could remember was when my friends started experimenting drugs other than marijuana. The marijuana has always bothered me as well, but not as much as mushrooms and extasy. When they were doing that it did really upset me and I had to stop being friends with them until they were done experimenting. Well they have recently begun agian. This time it's daily use of marijuana with a side of occasional speed. I thought I could be okay with it, because if I let it bother me I would get upset again. I guess that's what I thought anyway, it was subconcious. But as I started thinking about all of this I got really upset. I don't know what to do now. I don't understand why it bothers me so much. My friends say that I'm too closed minded about drugs, but I don't see it that way. Regardless, my feelings aren't going to change. How can I sit back and know that they're doing those things and still see them every day? Their assurance that it is just a phase doesn't comfort me at all. None of the excuses they make help, because that's what they are...excuses. If you have to rationalize doing something then you probably shouldn't be doing it. Well I guess I'm not numb anymore, but now I have a whole other problem. Oh and there's also the senioritis.

Out of Town

Sorry I haven't been posting, I'm on vacation right now. I'll post again when I get back, which will be Sunday, March 13.