My dad just called me. When I answered the phone he sounded a little weird. He asked me if I had talked to my mother today. I told him I hadn't and so he continued to tell me that my sister had gotten into a car accident, or to be more precise an accident with a car. He skirted around it for a little bit and then finally told me that she got hit by a car while riding her bicycle. I was shocked and during the pause in conversation I almost started crying. Finally he resumed speaking and let me know that she was fine and only had a few bruises and was a little banged up. I was so relieved and I wanted to yell at him for not telling me right away and letting me think that she was seriously hurt. Then I realized how thankful I was that she was alright and I didn't care anymore.

It never really occured to me before, but my family has branched out to different places and something could happen to any one of us at any time and the others wouldn't know. It's really a scary though to think that my sister was hit by a car and I didn't know until much later. It could have been really serious... I could have lost her.

I'm starting to get worried about Michelle. When she first started becoming friends with Mandi again I was happy for her. I knew that they used to be very close friends and Michelle had been feeling loney. I would have been worried about history repeating itself, but she seemed very determined to keep their friendship casual and at a distance. Lately, though, it seems that she has lost sight of the importance of keeping Mandi at a distance with the prospect of having a close relationship with her dangling in her face.

Michelle called me the other day to tell me that she was going to move in with Mandie and her boyfriend, Rob. She said it was to save money on her rent, but I believe that that has little to do with it. Even if Michelle has fully convinced herself that the only reason she wants to move in with Mandie is to save money, the fact that she's determined that there's no other alternative and swears that the difficulty of finding one is too much to bear signals to me that her subconsious has other motives. When Michelle starts to rationalize, its a clear sign that something is wrong. I could tell on the phone that a lot of tension had arisen in her voice when I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to move in with Mandi. She calls me up with this expectation for me to be supportive and then turns me into an enemy when I'm not.

Of course, that's what Michelle does. She put all of the expectations on the people around her and then gets angry when they're not met. That's actually what I'm most worried about. She wrote in her blog that she's having difficulty dealing with some of the things in her life right now and that she's going to look to Mandi for understanding and support. She says she's going to rely on Mandi for strength. These are the kinds of expectations that tore them apart in the first place and it's going to be especially akward now that Mandi is in a relationship. I don't want Michelle to be alone. I want her to have someone to be strong for her, but I have a feeling in my gut that things are going to go terribly wrong here just as they did before.

Among many other things, Emily Scopas wrote this in her most recent blog post. She always has something to say that, while sometimes cruel, is incredibly funny in it's honesty.

Today in the supermarket I found a little stand with all of the common christian names in alphabetical order on cards, with the origin and meaning typed on the back of each one of them. I was very surprised that none of the “jenny’s”, “Candi’s” or any other overly common name in Coppell didn’t say “cheap whore with bad highlights” on the back of that card.

-Emily Scopas

Ok. I'm watching Eating Out right now and I'm at this part that is so true to reality. I really feel the need to rant about it for a mintue.

When two gay guys say they're going to watch a movie together, does it always have to lead to more than that? I mean, I've always taken it for face value and assumed it meant that we were going to watch a movie together and then I'm caught completely by suprise when the other guy decides to make his move. What if I really just wanted to watch a movie and enjoy their company in a platonic way? Is that not allowed? If I want to get to first, second, or third base with someone I'd kind of like that to be out in the open first so I don't feel bad having to turn someone down who was reading more into the situation than was really there. The same goes for the other way around. If a guy wants me to make the first move, well I'm just not going to do it because I'm never sure that's what they want me to do. It just occurs to me that if I try they might turn me down and say I have the wrong idea about our relationship. That's the kind of situation a really try to avoid.

I know it can be really hot if a guy that you're attracted to just goes in for the kill, without asking or making it akward, but there's so many times that they think you want it when you really don't and that's even more akward. I don't really know what the solution is, because sitting down and having a conversation about it first kind of ruins the excitement, but I just felt the need to rant anyways. Thanks for listening.

I don't know if anyone is interested, but the band who's music I've been posting, Darling Waste, released a new CD in August and everyone should buy it :-)

If you are interested you can check out their Myspace profile here.
If you want to go ahead and buy one of their albums then go here.

Normally, I wouldn't make a post on your blog, but that last entry upset me. I'm sure that there are -many- people that would agree that you are not an asshole.
So you broke a few hearts, that is NOT your fault. As soon as you realized it wouldn't work out, you were straight foward and honest. That's more than most people would do.. most would keep on with the facade because they wouldn't want to "hurt" the other person. What you did was brave and the right thing to do.
Don't even start comparing yourself to Mandie! It's true, the situation is similar, but the way you acted is very different, and that's what counts. It's not the event, because things like that are inevitable if you live and interact with other humans. It's what you do that defines who you are and what kind of person you are. You were nice about it, you tried to make sure they didn't get hurt.
THAT is where you differ from Mandie.. she didn't have any regard for the feelings of anyone but herself. She was so absorbed in her own greif that she didn't care about mine.. but you aren't like that. You always care about the feelings of others.
You aren't an asshole, in fact you're one of my favorite people.
Love,
Michellypooh

I Think I'm an Asshole

Once I know that I can't date someone, it's really easy for me to start caring about that person as a friend, and nothing more.
Over the summer, before I left for college, I started dating Jake. It was only the last few weeks before I left but he was really sweet and I really liked being with him. When I moved to college though, I knew I couldn't keep dating him and at that point I considered him to be a friend. To my suprise, even though we had talked about it before I left, he still wanted to date long distance. I hated having to tell him that we couldn't. I told him that we were both very busy with our lives and that, in addition to the long distance between us, made it impossible for me to give him the attention he deserved. It's true that I can't give him the attention he deserves, and for those exact reasons. The whole truth is, though, that I also can't give him the attention he deserves because I now think of him only as a friend. I didn't tell him that, and I can't because he's having a really difficult time right now. His best friend is moving to California and I just moved to Arizona. He told me the other day that he had fallen for me and it made me feel so terrible. I miss him and care about him, but not in the way that he misses and cares for me. It's not fair that I'm not going through what he's going through.

I'm not done proving my point. At the same time that all of this has been happening, I've done the same thing to someone else. I met Brian Kinney because I was looking for friends here at school and he was interesting. I got the idea that maybe he wanted something more than a friendship, but I trusted him over my instincts and continued to develop a friendship with him. It started to turn into more than a friendship, which turned out to be what he was hoping would happen all along, but then there were certain obvious reasons that a relationship between the two of us would never work out. I would specifically say why, but there were irreconcilable differences. Well once it was clear that a relationship wasn't in the cards for us, he became a close friend to me, but nothing more. Unfortunately it hasn't been so easy for him which has made our friendship a lot more difficult.

I hate that these people around me can develop these feelings so easily and then have such a hard time letting it go while I, apparently heartless, have such a hard time developing feelings for someone and then it's so easy for me to move on. I'm no different then Mandie. I know how much Michelle was hurt by what Mandie did and I hate that I do the same kinds of things.